Identity Crisis
by 16-horses
Summary: While performing magical experiments, Rin Tohsaka accidentally creates an explosion that almost destroys the city, but once the dust settles everything seems to go back to normal… until Sakura steals Excalibur, Arturia calls Shirou a mongrel, and Gilgamesh actually starts obeying Kirei (sort of). AU - Canon Divergence.


**This story is based on the Unlimited Blade Works route of Fate/Stay Night. I have never watched Fate/Stay Night, so I don't know very much about it. If I've made a mistake (other than the obvious liberties I took) please tell me!**

* * *

"What are you doing, Rin?"

Rin giggled maniacally as she twirled her fingers over the marble-sized sphere of magical light. "This, Shirou, is the beginning of a fantastic perception magic that will enable us to see the exact whereabouts and actions of all Masters and Servants at all times. I stumbled across it last night, and if I perfect it, then this Holy Grail War is in the bag."

Shirou frowned a little, remembering the last time Rin experimented with magic in his house. "Rin, have you ever done this before?"

"No, but what does that matter? Mages try out new stuff all the time. Trust me, I have this under control."

The ball of light pulsated gently as it slowly spun and bobbed, the fluorescent blue clouded with green and orange, touches of red flaring at the edges. "It's beautiful, isn't it?" The bright look in Rin's eyes didn't give Shirou the heart to tell her that after the magical fiasco of last week he was not ready for another. Without another word he turned and walked out of Rin's room.

* * *

It was 2:00 in the morning when Rin's perception magic finally exploded.

"Just a little longer," she muttered to herself, her tongue sticking out of her mouth in concentration. Her fingers went rigid, poised over the now cantaloupe-sized globe of dangerously pulsing magic. As she focused her mind on weaving the time and space strands together, the orb lurched, stretched into a football shape, and flew apart.

"EEEEEEYYYYAAAAAAAAAAHHHH!" Rin's screech, with sweeping waves of light close behind, shook the house to its foundations. Every window burst, and Shirou rocketed out of bed and staggered to his bedroom door, intent on saving Rin from her folly. When he reached the hallway he found Archer and Saber already there in battle positions. Saber, clad in her armor with a wild light in her eyes, brandished Excalibur. Archer looked like the dead awoken. He didn't seem to know whether to use his swords or his bow. The house jumped one last time, knocking them all over, then steadied.

"What was that?" Saber asked, getting to her feet and helping Shirou up. For whatever reason he blushed. "Um… I think Rin's experiment failed."

At that moment Rin herself came staggering out of her room, gray dust plastered all over her. The ends of her hair were singed. She was a wreck in ponytails. "The – the magic – it – it – just –" She reeled, made a gesture with her hands to show the magic exploding. Gasping like a fish out of water, she lurched toward the bathroom.

"I tried to tell you it was dangerous," Shirou mumbled under his breath. Car alarms wailed in the distance. He dared to look out one of the broken windows. In the darkness of early morning he could see lights flipping on all over the city, the sound of glass repeatedly shattering cracking the air. The sky looked disturbed. He cringed and drew away from the window. "Let's hope no one comes looking to sue us."

"I tried to warn her," Archer said ruefully. "Twice. The second time she threw her shoe at me."

Saber nodded, holding a hand to her head. "I have the most terrible headache all of a sudden... it feels as though there's a dozen hammers in my head."

Shirou blinked. "I feel fine."

Saber turned and walked unsteadily away. "I'm going back to bed."

"Well, all right." Shirou walked back to his room and hung a blanket over the glass-less window to keep the cold out. Tomorrow he'd have to call in someone to fix the windows, and give Rin a rather emphatic warning against performing magical experiments in the future. Although, by the looks of her, she wouldn't be doing that again anytime soon. Shaking the memory of Rin's scream and the explosion of glass from his mind, he tried to go back to sleep. But as he tossed and turned, still recovering from his shock, he swore he could hear something banging around downstairs. _I'll check it out in the morning,_ he thought grumpily, and buried his face in the pillow.

* * *

The explosion of last night certainly scared the living daylights out of Shinji, but when the world didn't end he relaxed. Weird things happened all the time in this place. Besides, he had more important things to worry about. Namely, Sakura.

"How many times do I have to tell you, Sakura!?" He slammed his hands on his forehead. "You stop going to visit Emiya, and you stop right now! I don't want you to – to get independent!"

"I recognize your need for me," Sakura said in a strange voice which she never used before. She stood very still, ramrod straight, gazing Shinji in the eye without flicking an eyelash. She looked eerily serene. "But there is a greater purpose to be accomplished, and I must go the Emiya residence when the situation demands it. Now I will go to school. I will see you tonight."

Shinji stared at her. "Since when do you talk like that?"

"I do not know what you mean. I must be going."

"What? No, you can't! You have to stay here! There's work for you to do! I – I order you to stay!"

"I cannot be detained any longer." Sakura turned on her heel and marched away, leaving a stupefied Shinji in her wake. He opened his mouth to call after her, but only a strained squeaking sound came out. At last he jumped forward and grabbed her arm. At once she spun around and punched him in the jaw. He went reeling backward as much with shock as with pain, and Sakura drew herself up like a knight. "You do not know what you are doing. I will not hold this against you." She strode away.

Shinji gazed after her, crestfallen.

* * *

Kirei didn't even feel the explosion. He slept like the dead.

He woke up early, as usual, and as he passed through the sepulchral bowels of the church, a strange smell wafted through the hallways. It didn't smell very good, and he couldn't figure out for the life of him where it was coming from.

Along the way, he considered caving in the door of his lazy Servant's room. They had a lot to do that day – killing, betraying, winning the Holy Grail War by the nastiest means possible – and he was sick of Gilgamesh sleeping in until eleven 'o clock. He didn't break the door down, but he opened it very roughly. "Gilgamesh, you are getting out of bed this instant or –"

Kirei froze. No one was in the room. And the bed was made.

He blinked. Closed the door. Walked quickly away.

The smell was stronger now. He finally realized it was coming from the kitchen, and he made his way to it. He was prepared for anything, except for what he saw.

Gilgamesh, his blond hair tousled with sleep, with his jacket sleeves rolled up and an apron tied around his middle, stood at the stove holding a frying pan and poking at something in it with a spatula. It sizzled.

Kirei's jaw hit the floor. Gilgamesh turned around, glanced at him, and looked back to the pan.

"Wh-what are you doing?" Kirei croaked. Gilgamesh looked a little taken back. "I'm just making breakfast."

"You're making breakfast." Kirei shook his head. "I'm going crazy. I know it."

"Well, I just thought I'd better make it before you told me to."

"Before I told you to? I can't tell you to do anything without you tearing the church down about it. What's gotten into you?"

Gilgamesh shrugged.

Kirei staggered against the wall. He liked to think he was emotionally above every situation, that nothing could faze him in the least. Ha! Well, he just proved that theory wrong.

Gilgamesh took the now-smoking frying pan off the stove and scraped the blackened contents onto a plate. Kirei wasn't even sure what it was. Oblivious to the mess he was dishing up, Gilgamesh put the plate on the table along with utensils and said, "There you are."

"That's… for me?"

Gilgamesh nodded eagerly, an adorable smile on his face.

Kirei thought he was going to be sick. "I'm going to pass," he said in a very thin voice. "I'm not hungry anymore."

"Can I eat it, then?"

A wordless nod.

Gilgamesh sat down cautiously, as though he thought Kirei would change his mind. When it became apparent that Kirei wasn't going to stop him, he started eating. No emotion showed itself on the mask of his face, but he seemed to be enjoying himself. Without his jewelry, he actually looked quite normal.

"Gilgamesh?"

"Yes, Master?"

Now that was really scary. "Why are you acting so strangely?"

Gilgamesh looked hunted. "I – I'm sorry if I'm making you upset. I'll try to do better."

"No, no, stop. That's exactly what I mean by acting strangely. I mean, five minutes have gone by and you haven't called me a mongrel once."

By this time Gilgamesh looked positively terrified.

Kirei understood how he felt.

* * *

"You look well, Rin."

Rin sat down at the table, looking like the ghost of herself. Shirou, sufficiently recovered from last night's scare, pushed a bowl of scrambled eggs toward her, and she absentmindedly started spooning them into her glass. Archer watched, a partially disgusted, partially fascinated expression on his face.

When Rin started pouring orange juice onto her toast, Archer decided she needed help. He took the pitcher from her hand, got her a new plate, and put her eggs where they belonged. After filling her glass and getting her a new piece of toast, he sat back down and said, "Where's Saber?"

Shirou frowned. "That's strange… she should be up by now."

"She did look pretty shaken up last night."

Rin swallowed. "Uh, in regards to last night, sorry for almost blowing you all up. I thought I had it under control… I didn't realize –" Her hands shook.

"It's all right, Rin. You had good intentions." _She usually does. That's why her magical disasters actually happen._

"Do you all mean to go on ignoring me, or is someone going to acknowledge my presence!?"

The loud, commanding voice made them all jump. They all turned to see Saber, wearing a beautiful white dress that was probably Rin's, judging by the fact that it was a little too long for her. Her unbound hair floated down around her shoulders, and her emerald eyes snapped.

"Uh, good morning, Saber," Shirou offered.

"What's for breakfast?" She minced across the dining room and sat down at the head of the table. She tossed her hair back, seeming to dare them to pay her compliments.

"Eggs, juice, toast –"

"I suppose that will do." Saber dished up enormous portions of everything, all the while eying them all. After a while she scowled. "Remove that girl from the table. Her appearance is an affront to my eyes."

Shirou blinked at her. "Rin? You want her to go?"

"Of course I do, mongrel! She looks half-dead!"

"Mongrel!? Saber, you sound like – like –"

"Not Saber," Archer finished for him.

* * *

Sakura glided down the street toward the high school. She walked with her head held high, her face set, her shoulders thrown back, like a king in a school uniform. People involuntarily made room for her on the sidewalk. Her amethyst eyes glowed with majesty, her facial expression stern yet gentle. She paused to bestow a smile on a little girl jumping rope, who gazed back at her with radiant adoration.

Wafting into the school yard as though blown there by some personal breeze, Sakura at once noticed two boys scuffling on the ground. She strode toward them. "What is this all about?"

They stopped fighting long enough to look up. "Why would you care?" one of them spat.

"It is my duty to protect the people."

They blinked at her. "What?" the other boy finally said.

"Tell me your grievances, and I judge you fairly."

The boys stood up, wary, like cornered rats ready to bolt. Obviously Sakura was no ordinary girl. She bore herself with such noble pride they could almost see a halo forming around her violet hair. She looked almost like a princess, in disguise.

And she was beautiful.

The school bell rang, setting the atmosphere to shaking. The boys jumped, looked bewildered, and with more than a few glances in Sakura's direction they ran inside.

Sakura smiled faintly. A conflict settled without a battle. She would be a better king.

She ran across Rin later than morning. She didn't know what was wrong with the poor girl – she looked like she had spent the night upside-down in a tree – but she offered to help Rin carry her books, which were constantly slipping out of their owner's limp arms.

"Um, thanks," Rin said, still a shock victim.

"I will do anything for those in tribulation."

Rin stared at her, expressionless.

"I will be going to the Emiya residence later to discuss the war with Shirou. I pray you will be there."

"Uhhh." Rin seemed incapable of making an intelligent reply. "Y-you – you're still going to go ahead with that? Doesn't that creep Shinji not like you doing that?"

"He is a troubled boy who does not know what he is doing. I desire to help him, but there are more urgent matters to attend to. Someday I will return to him to guide him."

"Oh – well, um, I'm glad he's not stopping you, then."

She was the worst wreck of a girl Sakura had ever seen. She placed a hand on the brunette's shoulder. "Dear sister, do take care of yourself. Perhaps it would be best if you lay down after school. Give your body a rest. Battles cannot be fought by tired warriors."

Sakura turned to put Rin's books in her locker, while Rin herself gazed with bleary eyes at her. Sakura shook her head gently. Poor girl. So sad to see her falling apart like this.

* * *

"Gilgamesh, for the last time, put the broom down and come help me annihilate our enemies."

Gilgamesh clutched the broom like it held the secret to life. "That's what Lancer's for," he said in a very small voice. "I – I can't do anything like that."

"Yes, you can. You're the most powerful of all the Servants and were not meant to be sweeping floors."

To Kirei's shock, Gilgamesh dropped the broom and flung himself at his feet. Wrapping his arms around his startled Master's legs, he looked up with huge trembling scarlet eyes. "No! Don't make me fight in the war! Do anything you want with me but that! Starve me, work me, beat me all you like, but don't make me fight!"

Kirei's first impulse was to kick Gilgamesh away, but decided against it: the golden Servant might come back to himself at any moment, and would certainly let Kirei know what he thought of such treatment, in the form of several deadly-sharp Noble Phantasms embedded in very personal areas. He bent over and pried Gilgamesh's arms off of him, took a step back, and growled through clenched teeth, "Fine. I won't make you fight. You wouldn't be much use in this state anyway."

Gilgamesh, sitting on his knees, clasped his arms around his chest. "Thank you," he whispered, sounding like he would start crying soon.

Kirei rubbed the corners of his eyes, wishing he could just use a Command Spell to jar Gilgamesh into shape. But they had a complicated Master-Servant relationship. He began to regret keeping him around for ten very long years, only for him to turn into… this. But how was he supposed to know the King of Heroes would suddenly start acting like – like…

* * *

"Sakura was acting really weird today," Rin reported after school. She had by now recovered from last night. "She was being so… magnanimous."

"Well, she is your sister," said Archer, not interested.

"Tohsaka!" Saber yelled from the other side of the room, stretched out on a couch, idly dangling Excalibur from her fingers. "Is there no wine in this household!?"

"Wine?" Rin took a step back. "Of course not! We're minors!"

"I am not a minor, you insolent mongrel. I am your superior in every way." Saber tossed her pale hair over her shoulder. "You should be honored to have me staying in your house. Where is Shirou!?"

"He's making an emergency trip to the supermarket after you ate all our food this morning."

"It is a privilege to serve me. And where's that useless dojo-whatever-she-calls-herself Taiga!?"

Rin raised her eyebrows. "What do you want her for?"

"I don't want her, you little minx. I want to know where she is so I can make sure that she stays there and doesn't come crashing in here and eating all the snacks like the insolent mongrel she is."

"She's at the academy. She's the supervising teacher at the Archery Dojo. You should know that."

"Don't tell me what I should or should not know. Now shut up."

Startled, Rin did.

Archer looked very unamused. "She'd better snap out of this soon. She's making my ears hurt."

Saber, thank God, did not hear him, being preoccupied in admiring her reflection in the blade of Excalibur.

"She's useless," Rin whispered. "She doesn't care about the Holy Grail War anymore. What can we do?"

Archer shrugged.

Shirou returned at that moment, staggering under the weight of several gigantic grocery bags. He threw everything down on the island in the kitchen, walked into the living room, and said, oblivious to the frantic gestures Archer and Rin kept sending his way, "Saber, you normally have a large appetite, but this is ridiculous. I don't have the kind of money for this."

Danger dripped down the walls. Fire built up in the seams.

" _You dare_ ," Saber thundered, " _complain to be in my service? You DARE attempt to refuse me when you should be rushing to serve me?_ YOU DARE!?"

The newly-installed window panes shivered. Excalibur seemed to glare at them all.

"Rin," Shirou croaked, "what did you do?"

"What? I didn't do anything to her!"

"The magical explosion," Archer said. "She said she had a bad headache. Do you think –"

"No mere explosion can faze me," Saber said, obviously not listening.

Shirou sagged against the wall. "We're doomed. We are so doomed."

* * *

Kirei's secret weapon, the most powerful Servant of any Holy Grail War, the Oldest King and Ruler of All Heroes, was on his hands and knees scrubbing the floor. The golden Servant had seemed absolutely woebegone doing nothing (when he had never before had a problem with wasting time) so Kirei, in disgust, had given him work to do to keep him out of trouble while he went off making everybody's lives miserable. Although Gilgamesh didn't seem any happier when he was actually doing something.

Lancer wandered by. He stared at Gilgamesh, scouring the floor till blood appeared on his knuckles. "Gilgamesh? Is that really you?"

"Hi, Lancer."

"Aren't you going to call me a mongrel?"

"Why does everyone think I'm going to call them mongrels?" He sounded more sad than irritated.

"Because… because you always do. Why are you scrubbing the floor?"

"Kirei told me to."

"Oh, so now you're obeying him?"

The look on Gilgamesh's face was so distressed that Lancer didn't feel like pressing him for an answer. "Does this mean you're not going to be fighting in the war? Kirei was planning to use you for some pretty epic battles."

"He can do what he likes with me. I'm only here to serve him."

"Seriously?"

Gilgamesh sat back on his feet, clutching a dripping scrub brush to his chest, getting dirty water all over his once-white shirt. The knees of his pants were brown with dirt. "Yes. I feel sorry for him. He has never known what love is, and has only a warped, miserable existence to sustain. If he has someone to help him and remain loyal to him no matter what may happen –"

Lancer clapped a hand over his mouth and rushed out of the room.

Gilgamesh didn't move. If anyone could have seen him, they would have sworn he was Kirei's abused teenaged protégé who had been reduced to the state of near-slavery, instead of a thousands-of-years-old, immensely powerful king who was simply experiencing an unexpected case of DPD.

* * *

"All right! All right! I'm sorry!"

Sakura ground her heel between the teenaged boy's shoulder blades, eyes narrowed into purple-steel slits. "I hope you are. You never, ever, kiss a girl without her consent. Keep this in mind, and never give me reason to engage you in combat again."

"Okay!" the boy gasped, his face against the sidewalk. His 'victim' stood nearby, all eyes.

Sakura stamped her foot one last time for emphasis, then let the boy up. She walked over to the other girl, who said in an unsure voice, "It wasn't that bad, you know. I just didn't expect it. I mean, it was just a quick little kiss as he walked by. It's not like he had me cornered."

Sakura eyed her sternly. "Never let a male take advantage of you. Let him have his way in one area, and you only encourage him to go further. Protect your chastity and fight for what is pure and right. Never forget this day," and she strode away with long, firm steps, one hand at her left hip as though to keep a sword from thumping against her leg. She seemed to grow taller with every step.

Sakura went straight to Shirou's house. Shinji never even entered her mind. She was ready for some epic daily-activity completing. She knocked on his door, three slow, heavy, impressive knocks.

Shirou opened the door. He had a black eye. "Oh, it's you Sakura. Come on in."

"Thank you."

Shirou stiffly led Sakura into the living room. "Um, I ought to warn you that something's wrong with Saber. She's… behaving strangely. She's acting like – oh, I don't know. She's being really obnoxious."

"Do not fear. I will deal with her."

Shirou stopped walking and stared blankly at Sakura as she positioned herself next to Saber's couch. Saber at that moment was reading a fashion magazine, her feet propped up on the arm of the couch. When Sakura's shadow fell over her she waved a dismissive hand and said, "Move, mongrel. You're in my light."

"Is that how you address a king? As a mongrel?"

Saber glared at her over the top of the magazine. "You are no king. But even if you were, there is no king, living or dead, who is my equal. You are not worthy to even have a shadow. Now bow before I brain you with this piece of trash called a magazine."

Sakura would not stand for such disrespect. She snatched up Excalibur from where it lay on the coffee table and leveled it at Saber, wielding it with perfect balance despite the fact that she hadn't had a single hour of sword training in her life. "For those words, I challenge you to a duel!"

Saber let out a harsh laugh. "You believe yourself worthy to challenge me? Go home, little girl. Consider yourself lucky I let you look at me."

"Defend yourself, King!" Sakura placed the tip of Excalibur on Saber's chest. "Stand and defend your honor!"

"WAIT!" Shirou launched himself at the two. "What are you doing!?"

"Stand aside, Shirou. I do not wish for you to be wounded."

"I'll wound him!" Saber's face split with an expression halfway between a grin and a grimace as she flung the magazine away and stood. She was two inches shorter than Sakura, but she knocked Excalibur away from her and grabbed the closet object to her that could possibly double as a weapon. It happened to be Rin's school satchel.

Sakura leaped backward onto the coffee table, brandishing the sword. Whirling the satchel over her head like a slingshot, Saber bounded toward her and let loose with a blood-stopping war cry. The satchel sliced the air with a _whoosh_ sound, and Sakura barely managed to move aside before lashing out with Excalibur. Saber dodged it expertly and brought the satchel up and around. Sakura ducked. Shirou didn't.

"What's going on here?" Archer asked, walking into the living room. He instantly flattened himself against the wall as Saber kicked a stack of books on the coffee table and they went flying toward him. Rin, wisely, remained absent. Shirou still lay on the floor, unable to get up for shock.

"You have kept this household under your reign of terror long enough!" Sakura proclaimed. She darted around behind Saber with an agility she had never before displayed and slashed at her opponent's unprotected back. Saber whirled round, still with a malicious look on her face, and the satchel slammed against Sakura's head. The girl went toppling off the coffee table, rolled on the carpet, scooped up her fallen sword, and landed in an aggressive position, eyes afire with battle light. Saber did a handspring off the table, flew over Sakura's head, landed, and whirled round with another deadly swing of the satchel.

Sakura swung out with Excalibur and severed the satchel strap, which sent Rin's schoolbooks tumbling everywhere. Saber's grin fell. "You will pay for this, mongrel!" She flung herself at Sakura, slamming into her so hard that Excalibur went flying. Archer ducked before he got his head sliced off. The two girls hit the floor hard, tearing and pummeling and lashing out at each other like the last warriors on a battlefield.

Shirou raised his head, still trying to recover from the satchel onslaught. "They're going to kill each other."

"I never thought I'd see two girls fight like that," Archer commented in a dry voice.

"Are we just going to let them turn this place into a war zone?"

"I, for one, am curious to see how this will end."

"They'll tear the living room to pieces if we don't do something."

"Do you want to get between them? I wouldn't risk it."

At last the two combatants separated, flat on the carpet, sucking in air. Saber's once lovely dress was now in tatters, and Sakura looked like she had just escaped from a pit of lions. At last Saber sat up, her hair now a loose tangled mess, with one drooping braid trailing over her shoulder. Her hair ribbon was in her mouth. "This isn't over, mongrel," she wheezed. "I would like to slaughter you now, but it is beneath me to spend longer than five minutes on one enemy. I will see you later." She stood and with unsteady steps walked out of the room, no doubt to change her clothes.

Sakura stood up. Straightening her skirt, she picked up Excalibur. "This is a worthy blade. I have no doubt it will serve me well in battles to come. The tyrannous Saber is defeated for now, but rest assured, she will rise again. For now, I will assist you in your domestic duties."

"Who, you mean me?" Shirou asked. "Oh, right, uh, thanks. Um, I guess we can start with putting the living room back in order."

Rin chose that moment to grace her friends with her presence. "Hello there, Shi- whoa! What's been going on in here!?"

"Saber and Sakura had a duel. No one's hurt. I'm still not sure how it happened, though."

"Hmm." Rin tapped her chin and watched Sakura pick up the coffee table books. "I think I've figured out what's going on here."

"Indeed." Archer leaned against the wall, arms folded across his chest. "Do tell."

"I think you guys were right when you said it had something to do with my experiment. It did focus a lot on the introspective aspects of the Masters and Servants, and so when it exploded it must have warped the mental circuits of the non-physical conduits –"

Archer rolled his eyes. "Rin! Speak English!"

She snorted. "It switched out Sakura's personality for Saber's. That's why she's been going on about honor and freedom and talking so weird."

Shirou's jaw dropped. "Well, then, whose personality did Saber get? She's certainly not acting like Sakura. And where did Sakura's personality go?"

"I don't know. There seems to be a third person involved in all this, but I have no idea who. Considering the nature of the magic, it's probably another Master or Servant."

"Well, how do you plan on fixing it?" Archer demanded.

"I was thinking I'd just repeat the magical process and maybe make another explosion."

Archer shook his head. "Not a good idea. I'd end up with Shinji's personality and you'd start acting like Berserker if you did that."

"Then what should I do!? We can't live with the Mad King Saber forever!"

"Did you just call me a mad king!?"

They all turned to see Saber, standing in the doorway like the Angel of Death.

The silence snapped.

* * *

As the newfound champion of justice and liberty in Fuyuki City, Sakura swore to help Rin discover where Saber's new personality came from. The two set out early one Saturday, leaving Shirou and Archer to deal with Saber.

"I've used this tracking magic before," Rin assured Shirou before they left. "I'm not going to blow anything up."

Shirou wasn't very convinced, but he didn't have much choice.

Sakura had Excalibur sheathed at her side. Rin held her tracking jewel in one hand, glancing at it every few steps.

"How does that work?" Sakura asked, managing not to sound curious.

"I'm using this to trace the origins of Saber's new personality. There's still a connection between the personality and its original host, so with this tracking gem I can detect the psychological signature of the psychogenic conditions prevalent in the subconscious of –"

"I know not what you mean. These terms are unfamiliar."

Rin sighed. "Seriously, it gets a little tiring being the only one around who studies magic in depth. What I mean is that there are trace amounts of Saber's implanted personality still in the person who originally had it. It's like tracking a scent. Or more like matching fingerprints to suspects. You see, this jewel can read and recognize the unique personalities of people. I sort of programmed it with Saber's new personality. If we get close enough the jewel can match up the personality with the person it came from."

"Close enough to what?"

"To wherever that person is. It's confusing to non-mages, I know. It can take a while, but if we happen to enter the vicinity of our… quarry, it'll be worth it. It's slow, but not half as slow as it could be. But I'm pretty sure it's another Master or Servant. Do you think it could be Shinji?"

Sakura shook her head. "No. I have spoken with him, and he is who he has always been."

"Hmm. Well, I don't think it's Rider. She seems pretty quiet, and it's hard making Saber shut up when she's like this."

"What other Masters and Servants are there? I am afraid I have not been proactive in this war and I am ignorant of our enemies."

"Um, well, there's Caster. Her Master's my teacher actually. But he's kind of a grump. He doesn't act like he's king of the world. Caster seems to like being creepy and mysterious a little too much to go calling everyone mongrels and stuff."

"Could she not behave differently when she is alone with her Master?"

"Maybe... there's also Caster's Servant Assassin, but I don't know anything about him. He just hangs around this temple all day. I mean he can't leave. It's impossible. But he's all alone there, so he probably doesn't make it a habit to boss people around like Saber was doing. Um, Berserker is out of the question, as is his Master – she's an adorable little girl. Lancer... no, he's a little crazy, but not arrogant. His horrible Master Kirei is a totally cruel douchebag, but he doesn't call people mongrels."

"Douchebag...?"

"But that's pretty much everyone. It's got to be a Master or a Servant. But none of them has the personality that's been transplanted into Saber. We're just going to have to see where the jewel leads us."

After seven or so blocks, the jewel suddenly flared with silvery lavender light. Rin gasped. "That's it! That means this person is within fifty feet of us."

"I will route them out." Sakura drew Excalibur and held the holy sword at the ready. "Give the word, Lady Tohsaka, and we will put this whole matter to rest."

"Great. But remember: whoever this is isn't going to have their natural personality. They're probably going to be acting like you – er, how you were before. You know, shy and submissive, uh, no offense."

"I am not offended. Pray do not feel as though you cannot be candid around me. I am with you to the end."

"Um, thanks." Rin looked down at her tracking jewel again, then around at the street. "All right. We'll do it this way: we'll check out the six buildings closest to us on this side of the street, and the six on the other side. Both of us, together, since I have only one tracking jewel, and we want to make sure we get the right person. We don't have to go inside, just walk around them. This person whoever-they-are is bound to be somewhere around them. The jewel will let us know when we've got them."

"Do you mean we will be trespassing onto civilians' land and behaving like stalkers?"

"No, no. This is a mostly abandoned section of the city. Like that church. No one's lived in that thing for years. No one will stop us. Seriously, this is public property. If anyone questions you, just say you're trying to find your runaway cat."

"I am searching for my cat with a sword?"

"Oh, whatever. Just try not to let anyone see you."

"Fear not. I will do my duty to the utmost of my ability."

"That's good to know."

The two girls went prowling around buildings, walking the perimeters, every other step looking at Rin's jewel. As they crossed over to the old church, the jewel flared again, this time with magenta light.

"That's it!" Rin gazed at the jewel, whispering in hushed rapture. "They're in this church!"

"Lead on."

Rin tiptoed around to the front. With an almost maniacal light in her eyes she eased the old insect-attacked door open and slipped inside. Sakura followed. All was darkness inside.

A small crash and a splash sounded in the darkness. "Oh, drat," Rin muttered. "What did I kick?"

All of a sudden, an unsteady electric light flicked on, and the girls found themselves staring at a blond young man with his hand on the light switch, looking like he spent a considerable amount of time rolling around on a damp dirty floor. His blood-colored eyes filled with them.

Rin offered a sheepish smile. "Uh, hi."

"H-hi," the young man said in return, then looked down at an overturned bucket that was spilling soapy water all across the floor. He picked it up, looking the slightest bit rueful.

"Um, sorry," Rin said. "I couldn't exactly see where I was stepping in here."

"It's all right. I'll just get new water." The young man walked away, Rin's gaze plastered to him. Sakura glanced at her. "Well, that's something different," Rin said at last. "That was not what I was expecting, at all."

"He did not even question us," Sakura mused. "Strange."

"Maybe that's him! Quiet, timid, just lets things happen!"

"But Lady Tohsaka, who is he?"

"Stop calling me that. How should I know? Now we have to –" Rin turned around and bumped right into Kirei Kotomine.

For a few moments neither of them could speak. Finally Kirei snarled, "What are you doing here, Rin?"

"Er, heh heh, I guess I should have known you'd be living here. It's your kind of place. I – I was just looking for my runaway pet cat."

Sakura resisted the impulse to smack her forehead.

"You don't have a cat."

"We-ell, I do now. But it looks like he's not here, so I'll just be going now..." Rin attempted to dodge around him and bolt out the door, but he caught her arm and held her still. "Who is this?"

"Oh, her? Ah, that's just a friend. You know."

"Do you think I'm an idiot? That's your sister. Don't think I don't know."

"Oh, right." Rin's voice fell. "I forgot you knew... um, how about letting us go?"

"Why is she holding Excalibur?"

Sakura had had enough. She leveled the sword at Kirei's chest. "Release her now, you monster. You are not worthy to touch her."

Kirei stared at her. "That's not right," he said at last. His gaze wandered to Excalibur once again. "I wonder..."

"Are you all right, Kirei?" The blond young man of earlier stepped into the room, holding a full bucket. Something snapped inside of Kirei. "Gilgamesh! Get – out of here!" He waved one hand in an almost frantic gesture to go away.

Rin screwed up her face. "Gilgamesh? That's not normal."

"At least we know it is not Kotomine whose personality has been implanted in Saber," Sakura said, probing Kirei's chest with the tip of Excalibur.

"What?" Kirei said.

The young man, Gilgamesh, stood gazing at her. He dropped the bucket and drenched his shoes. "What is your name?" he asked.

"Who, me?" Rin said. "I am Rin Toh-"

"Not you. Her." He pointed to Sakura.

"I am Sakura Matou."

"Sakura Matou, will you marry me?"

Sakura didn't move so much as a finger, but Rin almost threw up all over Kirei. Kirei just blinked. "Her? I thought – oh, never mind. You two girls have made a big mistake in coming here, but now that you're here I might as well use you to my advantage. The Holy Grail –"

"Oh, scrap the Holy Grail." Rin stabbed her captor in the stomach with her elbow, and when he released her she jumped forward and landed at Sakura's side. "Sakura, you're not really going to marry him, are you?"

Sakura looked offended. "Who said I would? Matrimony must be built on long-standing trust and –"

"For heaven's sake, we don't need an anecdote on marriage," Kirei snapped. "Now tell me what you are doing here or –"

"Who is this guy?" Rin pointed over her shoulder at Gilgamesh. "Is he your slave?"

Kirei's face tightened. "He's my Servant."

"Do you mean servant as in a helper, or Servant in the Holy Grail War sense?"

"I am his Servant from the Fourth Holy Grail War," said Gilgamesh, still drinking in Sakura's glory with his eyes and ignoring Kirei's murderous gestures.

"But this is the Fifth War? And besides, that's –" Rin's eyes filled her face. Her hands flew to her mouth. "This is him! This is really him!"

"This is who?" Kirei growled, sick of the whole thing by now.

"This is the third person who was affected by my accident! This is the person whose personality was transferred to Saber and who received Sakura's personality instead!"

"Oh." The confusion cleared away from Kirei's face. "It's your fault, then."

Gilgamesh looked from one to the other. "W-what's going on?"

Rin laughed and clapped him on the shoulder. "Don't worry. You're not yourself at the moment. In reality you're a selfish and arrogant pervert who has an alcohol problem and calls everybody mongrels. Right now you're just living with Sakura's old personality. Don't worry, I'll soon have this whole mess straightened out."

 _Wait_ , she thought. _If this is Kirei's secret Servant, maybe I shouldn't give him back his personality after all. But if I don't do anything, I'll have to put up with Mad King Saber for the rest of the war. Though Sakura will undoubtedly be happier if she stays the way she is._

"Uhh, give me a bit. I'll figure out something."

She dashed out the door before anyone could stop her. Kirei, who was having a very bad day, made no move to stop Sakura as she followed Rin. Gilgamesh gazed after her, a heartbroken expression on his face. "She was so beautiful."

"Sure she was." Kirei glared at Gilgamesh till the once-glorious golden Servant shrank back. "Now that I know you're not going to come back to your senses on your own, I can finally take out all the stress and anger I've been feeling all day."

Gilgamesh, who didn't have a clue what Kirei was talking about, laughed nervously.

It soon changed to a yelp as Kirei sent him flying backward with one sweep of his arm. "Gilgamesh, you are going to lose the war for me. Lancer doesn't even listen to me anymore, and your cooking is terrible."

"You didn't even try it," Gilgamesh wailed from the floor.

"I didn't have to. Why did you, of all the people in the city, have to get caught up in the Tohsaka girl's ridiculous experiments?"

"I'm sorry! I'll do anything to make it up to you!"

"You can lie there and look miserable." Kirei started kicking him.

Perhaps Kirei was hoping Gilgamesh would at last rise and skewer him with blades from the Gate of Babylon, but alas, he was still locked up in the personality of Sakura. It wasn't much fun causing pain if the victim didn't even try to defend himself.

"I will see you again, Sakura."

* * *

It has now been a year since Rin's disastrous magical experiment.

Saber has turned Shirou and Archer into her lackeys and keeps them occupied in keeping her wine glass filled and giving her foot rubs.

Sakura is the new vice-captain of the Archery Dojo at Homurahara Academy, an honor roll student, and the primary heir of the Matous.

Shinji has moved to Canada.

Kirei is still living in that nasty old church, closer to true repentance than he has ever been before.

Gilgamesh is doing his best to make Kirei happy, but his cooking hasn't gotten any better.

Lancer has just married Kirei's daughter Caren and are living in Tokyo.

Taiga has achieved her lifelong dream of becoming an English teacher, oblivious to the whole mess.

And Rin is still trying to reverse the effects of the personality-switch, spending her days tearing through magical texts and testing mana-infused artifacts, ever searching for the elusive cure.

She hopes she will find it one day.

And the Holy Grail is still on the outskirts of all hopes and aspirations, waiting for someone to claim it.

However, it has sixty years to wait.

(Of course, if Rin was thinking clearly, she could try to claim the Grail and simply wish everything back to normal – after all, she does win it in Unlimited Blade Works – but this story is supposed to end on a semi-despairing, semi-hopeful note, so she has to do everything the hard way. Of course, whoever said winning the Holy Grail was easy?)


End file.
